Tag: Terrorism

Hot New Release!

On September 28, 2022

In Military Matters, Terrorism and Counter Terrorism

A Day Ahead of the Devil now available in Ebook, Paperback and Audiobook

Afghanistan 2021. The Taliban takeover.

Surrounded and outnumbered by their Taliban attackers, a small group of Afghan special forces fights their way out of their base and races towards Kabul and the last of the flights leaving the country.

A team of seasoned SAS soldiers is deployed to Kabul to assist in extracting intelligence Assets for the MI6 Station there. But as the Taliban tighten their deadly noose around the city, the simple locate and recovery task soon becomes a lot more complicated.

And when a legendary Taliban commander arrives in Kabul and learns that there are special forces operating in his city, he knows there is only one thing to do: Hunt them down and kill them.

With hundreds of Taliban searching the city for them, the SAS team’s mission becomes one of survival and staying a step ahead of their hunters. And with the planned evacuation of Kabul descending into chaos, the team knows that if they don’t make it back to the airport fast, they won’t make it out at all.

Based around true events, A Day Ahead of the Devil is the latest action-packed thriller from the bestselling author of Asset Seven.

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Last chopper out of Kabul…

By James

On August 12, 2021

In Uncategorized

In an article I wrote almost 18 months ago, (https://www.jamesemack.com/have-the-taliban-won/) I covered what I thought a strategic withdrawal from Afghanistan would look like. Back then, the United States was talking about troop reductions in order to return control of the country back to the people of Afghanistan whose Security Forces were now deemed capable of this task. I wrote then that I considered this the beginning of an exit strategy and nothing else. Twenty years, trillions of dollars and thousands of deaths bringing the world’s superpowers to the line in the powder-fine, Afghan sand. I described how I thought the Afghan Security Forces would fail to hold ground, surrender and abandon their positions. How with no Air support, Intelligence provision and joint-mission hand-holding, there was no hope of the Afghans holding back the Taliban advance.

Sadly, all this has come to pass. Even as I write this piece, last week’s Pentagon assessment that the Taliban could take Kabul in a year has been hastily revised to the more realistic timeframe of 3 weeks. With most key provincial cities under or about to be under Taliban control, this is not just a pessimistic, worst-case scenario: It is a very real possibility. The city of Pol e Khomri, a mere 140 miles north of Kabul, was taken by the Taliban the evening before I began writing this. Afghan news footage of soldiers and police abandoning bases and stripping off uniforms in anticipation of Taliban victories showing the sad reality of life on the ground.

The Taliban have capitalised on our withdrawal from Afghanistan with a speed and ferocity that has surprised many. For me, I’m just surprised they’re surprised. Since the Taliban regrouped and re-entered the conflict in the early 2000s, they have consistently displayed tenacity for the long game and the capacity to launch fast, large-scale operations resulting in successes and gains beyond which they were deemed capable. The capture of the city of Kunduz in 2015 a good example of this. The largest city in the north-east of the country with a population of around 400,000. Despite being defended by Afghan and American Special Forces, the city fell quickly and had to be retaken with considerable effort and a major allocation US military assets.

There is also surprise stated at the poor performance of the Afghan Security Forces and their unwillingness or inability to fight the Taliban. There shouldn’t be. In the twenty or so years I have had involvement with the country, I’ve never seen a completely autonomous, Afghan security initiative of any significance make a considerable achievement. It had been tried, and probably many times, but, in my experience and observations at least, there was always a coalition command, control or support element involved. Where handovers of certain elements such as specialist training courses were conducted under capacity-building initiatives, these also failed quickly. We tried, as usual, to emboss our Western democratic template on a third-world fiefdom of warlord states and tribal domains. Took our military and law-enforcement models and applied them to a patriarchal society where for centuries nepotism and familial loyalty determined positions of command and influence.

We tried hard to cut the head off the snake of corruption but found that it was so endemic and accepted as the cultural norm that it was the entire body of the snake we were dealing with. From Ministers to Generals, Colonels to Corporals, it was accepted that an integral benefit of your position was to feather your own nest. Senior military officers created ‘ghost’ units; military bodies that existed only on paper, drawing millions in dollars for base infrastructure, food, fuel, uniforms, weapons, vehicles, training and equipment for entities that didn’t exist in the physical world. Ministers squirrelled away funds intended for government initiatives to offshore accounts in the Middle East in preparation for their exodus once the Coalition cut and run. Which they were absolutely convinced we would eventually do. And in which they have been proved right. And the poor soldiers and policemen at the bottom of the pile? Often not receiving their salaries, or sometimes just a tiny portion of them as the hierarchal rank pyramid above them siphoned off their ‘cut’ before the pittance reached the rank and file? Based in Provinces and towns where it takes them days to return to their home villages? No commonality with the populations of these towns other than a very general nationality?

Demoralised and dejected, it’s little wonder they have no motivation to fight. Our model doesn’t work for them. They needed a completely different system that aligned with their cultures, ethos and identities. Plural. There is no one Afghanistan in terms of population identity. Hazaras, Pashtuns, Baluch, Tajik, Uzbek make up just some of the disparate demographics we tried to mould together under a unified national security infrastructure. When we saw that this wasn’t working particularly well, we came up with other, localised initiatives: Afghan Local Police, Khost Protection Force, Counter Terrorist Pursuit Teams. But still, our best laid plans to replicate our Western models always fell short of our aspirations. I once mooted to a senior coalition officer that we were effectively creating the best-trained militias in the world that would soon just be absorbed into their presiding warlord’s arsenal. He didn’t disagree.

The Taliban don’t fight for a pittance of a salary they might or might not receive. They don’t fight on behalf of a national concept they don’t really believe in. They don’t fight for a government that has no real influence beyond the surreal bubble of Kabul. They fight for their beliefs, twisted and abhorrent as they may be. They fight for their absolute conviction that they are returning Afghanistan to the Islamic Republic it was always meant to be. They have a unified goal, driven by their unshakable faith in their ideology and motivated daily by their successes. Which in turn gives them the affirmation that their god supports their struggle, wants them to win.

The Afghan Security Forces have none of this. And the government knows it. In desperation, President Ghani has formally requested assistance from regional warlords to defend and hold their lands against the Taliban advance; a clear acknowledgement that his Army is defeated. But it appears that even this request is too late to achieve anything more than small pockets of resistance as the Taliban sweep through the country conquering villages, towns and cities.

So as the Taliban look set to return Afghanistan to the Stone Age, the people of the country will once again, suffer horrifically. As our Western superpowers pull away from the sinking ship, other nations are considering their response. Russia, always keen to meddle and exploit an opportunity to needle the West, is taking a cautionary approach, bolstering troop numbers in former Soviet satellite states on the border with Afghanistan to monitor and intercept any potential Islamic fundamentalism from seeping through to Russia’s borders. China has already made clear its intention to have a major involvement in what happens in Afghanistan. The Taliban have confirmed they will engage with the Chinese which seems jarringly hypocritical when one considers the treatment of the Uighur Muslims at the hand of the Chinese State. But that’s part and parcel of the realpolitik that China deploys around the globe in its current advancement of influence.

Inevitably, our withdrawal from Afghanistan and the instant gains made by the Taliban draw comparisons with Vietnam. And not completely without merit: A prolonged, unpopular military campaign in a far-off country. A mission creep with ill-defined, shifting objectives. A determined enemy unconcerned by time constraints, budget, political appetites and changes in administrations. A ‘nation’ whose central government has little impact on much of the country beyond the capital. The deaths of of our bright and best young men and women.The deaths of thousands of innocent civilians.

There is an image that, for me at least, summarises the humiliating end game of the Vietnam War. It is the picture of the last helicopter evacuating the US Embassy in Saigon, a chain of figures on the roof of the building urgently boarding. the final flight as the city fell to the Viet Cong. With the latest Pentagon assessment that Kabul could fall within 3 weeks, is this something we can expect to see in Afghanistan? A Black Hawk helicopter evacuating the last few Embassy personnel as Taliban gunfire and mortars wreak havoc on the city?

I hope not. I would hope that with our UAVs, satellites and network of intelligence assets, advanced warning would enable rapid evacuation before the threat was so close. Which is all well and good for our deployed personnel. But for the Afghans in Kabul there is no last chopper. No Black Hawk to spirit them away from advancing hordes of black-turbaned fanatics. No sitting back in the aircraft seat, eyes closed, the smell of AvGas a comforting reminder they are being transported to safety.

For the Afghans, they are going back in time. Back to a time of brutality and repression that they believed had been consigned to history. Human, Gender, and Equal Rights progression not just halted but reversed. The one lifeline open to them would be that of a power-sharing initiative between the Taliban and an Afghan Government. And the country is in a desperate enough position where such an appeasement may be preferable to the government than the wholesale loss of the country to these fanatics. The problem with this though is that the Taliban don’t need to negotiate. They are in the dominant position, winning every battle and fight as they advance through the country. Why would they negotiate for a part of something that they know they will own completely in the near future?

But maybe that won’t happen. Maybe by some miracle and foreign intervention the siege of Kabul can be avoided. Maybe a coalition of warlords can stave off the worst until international assistance can be marshalled into place. Such assistance probably not being led by the West, our withdrawal commitment leaving no political face-saving possibilities for an about turn.

When all is said and done, I wouldn’t want to see a ‘last chopper out of Kabul’ scenario. Wouldn’t like to imagine the panic and fear of the Afghans in Kabul as our last people flew overhead on their way to safety as the enemy was at the gates. The Afghan’s rage as they felt abandoned by a superpower who hadn’t stayed the course they’d committed to. Or the sight of Taliban flags flying above the very institutions that the deaths of thousands of people, trillions of dollars spent, and twenty years of fighting had been invested to protect.

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A real problem to come…

By James

On October 24, 2017

In Terrorism and Counter Terrorism, Topical

In a very rare example of a politician raising their head above the parapet of conformity and non-confrontational policy statements, Rory Stewart, an MP, has called for returning ISIS members and supporters to be killed as traitors as a result of the threat that they pose to the United Kingdom’s national security. Mr Stewart, as well as being an MP for a seat in Cumbria, is also an International Development Minister for the FCO and DfID, and a former diplomat.

Such a bold, hard-line statement from any individual holding office is rare, particularly in the era of the career politician, whose mantra seems to be ‘if we do nothing, then we can do nothing wrong.’ But Mr Stewart is not a conventional politician by any measure. No stranger to the Middle East or the conflicts there, he also walked across Afghanistan in 2002, a remarkable feat captured in his book The Places in Between. What I enjoyed about the book was the fact that Mr Stewart did not fall for or espouse the usual guff about welcoming villagers giving him their last slivers of bread as befitted their customary obligations. Because he could speak the language (and because the majority assumption was that he couldn’t) Mr Stewart could hear first-hand the real conversations behind the duplicitous welcoming grins and invites. He did encounter some genuine hosts along the way, but I really respected his decision to balance his account with the reality on the ground so to speak.

Rory was also the youngest ever Chair of the Defence Select Committee and a Senior Coalition Official in Iraq in 2003 – 2004. It would be very easy for the liberal media to stamp on Mr Stewart’s comments as right-wing, hard-line and anti-islamic, as they tend to do. But it is a little difficult to do that with Mr Stewart as he is also the executive chairman of The Turquoise Mountain Foundation; a NGO charity aimed at reviving traditional arts and crafts and urban regeneration in Afghanistan. So; no muslim hater.

His comments regarding killing returning ISIS members and supporters stand out because of their complete transparency. There is no hidden message here. No softening up pre-statement for advisers to analyse the public response before moving forward. No. This was a clear statement with the justification included just in case there was any confusion.

Brett McGurk, the Special Presidential Envoy to Counter ISIS has made no bones about his aspiration and intention to kill all foreign ISIS fighters on the battlefield. This negates the requirement for messy legal quagmires and political hand-wringing over what stance to take on returning ISIS members. This solution would be the optimum one for all governments facing this quandary; ending the problem on the battlefield in the theatre of conflict. But not all will die there. In the UK, many have returned already, causing a nightmare scenario for our security and intelligence services.

With over 850 British citizens having fled to ISIS-controlled territories, around 150 having been killed and approximately 400 returning to the UK in the past 18 months (as of July 2017), it doesn’t take a mathematical genius to see that we have a significant problem. The Director General of MI5, Andrew Parker stated recently that MI5 is now foiling one major terrorist plot a month. The key word in this phrase is major; likely to result in significant loss of lives. This does not even take into account the hundreds of other plots in their infancy or struggling to get off the ground.

Add to this mix those returning ISIS personnel, dejected and defeated, the dream of the caliphate a hazy memory. Do we really believe that these individuals are going to reintegrate into normal society? Sit back on their sofas in Luton with a digestive and a cup of tea to watch Eastenders? Slot back into the Friday night treat of a KFC while watching TV in Kenilworth? Look back on their days in black as nothing more than a misguided gap year never to be repeated?

Max Hill QC, the Independent Reviewer of Terrorism, would appear to be of the opinion that yes, many of those returning from Iraq and Syria should be allowed to settle back into normal life. Should be given ‘space’ to readjust rather than being prosecuted. That they were ‘naive teenagers’ embarking upon a great adventure. Mr Hill’s comments are directly opposed to Rory Stewart’s and highlight the growing gulf in how our political masters will address the situation.

So, should we treat returning ISIS members and supporters as traitors, affording them the full measure of the state’s wrath? Or should we view them more in line with Mr Hill’s assessment?

I for one wholeheartedly subscribe to treating these returning dregs of humanity as traitors and I have several reasons for this:

We are at war with ISIS. Officially. They represent a real threat to the safety of the United Kingdom and its people either through direct action or their support and sponsorship of terrorist attacks here. Any support, involvement, or assistance to ISIS aids them in their effort to kill UK citizens.
This is not Germany during World War 2 where many citizens were co-opted to join and support the Nazi party because to do otherwise risked alienation, arrest and incarceration. Just getting to ISIS-controlled territories took real effort; months of preparation and planning, of covering one’s activities from friends and family, financing the journey. Then travelling through different countries and networks of people smugglers and facilitators just to get there. At any stage during this strained process, the individual could have stopped and returned home before crossing the rubicon. Indeed, this would have been easier to do. The fact that they chose not to demonstrated their commitment to the ISIS cause.
ISIS relies completely on recruitment to swell its ranks and boost its physical presence. While our news footage is filled with scenes of the black-clad, AK47-toting fighters, like any other war machine these fighters are supported by a cast of thousands of less glamorous but essential roles. Medical and First Aid helpers, IT experts, Cooks, Mechanics, Propaganda Writers, Shopkeepers, Communications, Tradesmen to look after and repair housing, Accountants, Couriers, Factory Workers etc, etc, etc. The list is almost endless but the point is that the murdering and killing could not have taken place without the infrastructure around it that kept ISIS functioning. So, no matter that those returning from Syria or Iraq claim that they were never fighters, to me their role was just as significant. An analogy would be sending British soldiers into Afghanistan with only their rifles and bullets and no other support whatsoever. Their war would be a very short one.

And lastly, because this is what they chose to support. This is just one example of the mindset and psychology of the people who flock to join ISIS regardless of how big or small their perceived role is. The burning alive of a Jordanian pilot, filmed and disseminated across the internet for the world to see. And it’s worth remembering that many of those who did see it nodded with satisfaction and agreed with the vile action. ISIS exploit the value of social media much better than many of its predecessors, provoking terror and outrage while aiding recruitment. And it is the fact that actions such as this encouraged British citizens to flock to the caliphate that should warn us against treating them as anything less than the fighters themselves. If you support the burning alive of a man in a cage or the throwing of suspected homosexuals from the roofs of buildings, your values are not those of the United Kingdom.

And this is why I believe that these returning creatures have to be labelled, processed and tried as traitors. They are not returning because they realised the error of their ways, came to their senses and said ‘ ..mmm…these guys are mental, this is not for me.’ Maybe for the odd individual that could be the case but not for the majority. They are returning because the dream is over. The caliphate is gone and the black flack burned with its ashes scattered in the wind. These people are not returning to the UK to assimilate back into society and in any case, should not be allowed to do so. No matter how hard they try to assure the authorities otherwise, in some part of their psyche there lingers the motivation that prompted them to make the considerable effort to follow the black flag and cheer as men burned in cages.

And it is nearly impossible to redirect this motivation. But it is very easy to reignite it, blow on the hot embers until the flames are seen once again, rousing dormancy to a state of action. This cannot be allowed to happen. Rory Stewart completely understands this, probably as a result of his significant exposure to conflict zones and their associated issues. Max Hill does not.

Our government is charged with the duty of care of our nation and its citizens. When the head of MI5 is telling us that we have a real problem keeping a lid on terrorist attacks, what we cannot have is a returning population of individuals who hate our country, our people and our way of life. And who can slip back unnoticed into our general population where they can be the most effective to ISIS-sponsored plots and attacks.

Yes, it is a very hard decision for a government to publicly pronounce, particularly in this risk-averse climate the majority of our politicians seem to thrive upon. But it is a decision that cannot be shirked or prevaricated over. Send the clear message; a traitor to our country will be treated in accordance with the full wrath of the state. To do otherwise is a betrayal of the trust of the people who voted you into office and charged you with the duty of keeping us safe. More importantly, it is a betrayal to the families who have lost loved ones to the vile actions of these reprehensible criminals and their supporters.

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Top 10 Dumbest Terror Plots

By James

On August 20, 2017

In Terrorism and Counter Terrorism

After yet another terrorist atrocity, it’s quite easy to start thinking that these morons are getting the upper hand. I think it’s worth remembering that they are not the masterminds that they would have us believe and that luck, good and bad, plays a large part in the success or failure of their attacks. To lend a bit of perspective, I’ve put together a small list of some of the dumbest terror plots we’ve seen in recent years.

1. THE KANGAROO BOMB PLOT – Sevdet Ramadan Besim was an Islamic fundamentalist struggling for inspiration for an attack on his home soil of Australia. Besim was determined to kill Police officers and came up with an array of different methods with which he discussed carrying out his attacks. While looking at co-opting some locals into his plot, Besim discussed the use of kangaroos as delivery vehicles for his bombs. Besim planned to catch a roo, paint it with the Islamic State flag and stuff its pouch with C4 explosives then set it loose among Police officers. Admittedly there were some small flaws with this plan however hats off to Besim and his gang for taking terrorism to a whole new level; the radicalisation of native animals!

2. THE WANTED MAN WHO WANTED HIS REWARD – One of my favourites as I was in the region at the time and this was the talk of the FOBs for many weeks. In 2012 a man approached a military checkpoint in Afghanistan clutching a piece of paper in his hand. The Afghan security forces stopped the man and spoke to him, asking him what his business was. The man brandished the paper and began explaining his demand. The Afghans were confused and asked him to explain himself once again. The request still made no sense so he was asked again. And gave the same answer. The Afghan commander approached his American counterpart and explained the situation:

Afghan Commander (AC): Erm…this guy has arrived with one of the ‘wanted’ posters for a local Taliban IED maker.

US Commander (USC): Cool. He’s got information he wants to offer up for the reward?

AC: …not exactly. He is the IED maker.

USC: Wait; he’s the IED maker? So he’s surrendering?

AC: No. He wants the $100 reward that’s promised on the poster.

USC: Let me get this straight; he’s the IED maker on the poster and he’s turned up here demanding the $100 bounty that’s on his head?

AC: Yes. We’ve asked him many times and he is here to collect the $100 that it says we give for information leading to his capture.

USC: Yeah…but…it’s him? He wants the reward for his own capture?

AC: Apparently so.

USC: (scratches his head in puzzlement) I shouldn’t be surprised by anything in this country by now but what the actual f***?

Mohammad Ashan was duly arrested and his biometrics taken and matched to those found on IEDs used against American and Afghan forces. He was processed into American custody but even as he was made comfortable in his new quarters he was still pleading for the money owed to him for capturing himself.

3. DUMB AND DUMBERER… – Meet David Robert McMenemy, anti-abortionist and all-round eejit. McMenemy felt so strongly about abortion he decided that he was going to attack an abortion clinic, blow it up, and die as a martyr in the process. Not really knowing any abortion clinics, he drove around his local area for a month trying to identify targets. Eventually he settled on the Edgerton Women’s Health Centre in Davenport. He would teach those pesky abortionists a lesson that they’d never forget.

Only problem was the Women’s Centre he’d chosen didn’t actually carry out abortions. Blissfully unaware of this and taking his training from Wily Coyote cartoons, McMenemy drove his car as fast as he could into the building and waited for the inevitable explosion. All he got was an airbag in the face and a serious case of whiplash. Undeterred, the valiant martyr got out of his vehicle and poured petrol over it to get the party started. Unfortunately, the building’s very efficient sprinkler system kicked in and doused all the flames. When McMenemy was arrested he’d only managed to inflict some structural damage to the reception area and a slightly scorched suburban car. Goes to show the the Islamists don’t hold the monopoly on morons…

4. CHUBBS AND CO – A cunning plan that Baldrick would be proud of: Buy up hundreds of packs of sports ice-packs, extract the ammonium nitrate from them and use the substance to construct a devastating explosive device. Led by the 322 lb master-terrorist named ‘Chubbs’, the gang set about their plan. Needing money to buy the packs they set up charity collections and kept the funds for their nefarious intents.

When the charity money wasn’t enough, Chubbs came up with another cunning plan with which to increase their finances; online gambling. Unfortunately for him, his subordinates were no Vegas bank-breakers. Rashid Ahmed lost £3k when he left a bet running as he made a pot of tea and another member lost £6k on a bad day on the net.

Oh, and as angry as Chubbs might have been with their financial disasters, it probably paled into insignificance when he learned of one important flaw in their dastardly plan; sports ice packs had not contained ammonium nitrate in them for the past ten years. MENSA have stated that they will not be sending application forms out to the three this year…

5. IF IT WASN’T FOR THEM PESKY SWEATY-FEET… – No list could be complete without the addition of the legend-in-his-own-lunchtime, failed shoe-bomber Richard Reid. Reid is one of the main reasons that we suffer the indignity of removing our footwear at airport security, exposing odd socks and naked toes protruding from well-worn holes.

Prior to boarding a flight from Paris to Miami, Reid stuffed his shoes with explosives, intent on achieving martyrdom a few thousand feet above Fort Lauderdale. Alas, Reid was so nervous that he was sweating heavier than a sumo wrestler in a sauna and his socks became soaked. Which in turn dampened his improvised detonator rendering it absolutely useless. A small puff of smoke emitted from his shoes and he was soon subdued by passengers and crew, missing martyrdom through personal hygiene issues.

6. MUST PAY MORE ATTENTION IN SCIENCE CLASS… – Salman Al-Taezi and his good chum Walid Ashibi were not the sort to let a shortage of munitions halt their killing of people in Yemen. The pair decided to build an improvised missile and deploy it later that day. They sourced the components and had a chat about where to put their weapon together. The decision was made to build it in Salman’s house as it was comfortable with a particularly lovely deep-pile shag carpet.

The men assembled their missile quickly, having done this many times before. Very pleased with their progress they studied the fruits of their labour with the pride of new parents. Walid then began fetching the ignition components from another room, wearing his plastic sandals as he trotted to and fro. Unfortunately for Walid however, his journeys across the sumptuous carpet had built up a major charge of static electricity which leapt from his body and connected with the missile, detonating the weapon and pretty much vaporising the Laurel and Hardy of IED makers.

7. GO COMPARE… – When they heard of an English Defence League (EDL) rally in their local area, 6 Islamic extremists decided that no bunch of crazy extremists was going to get away with such a brazen display of crazy extremism. Not on their watch. The 6 men schemed, plotted, sourced and planned an attack on the rally involving guns and explosives. Weapons bought, bombs constructed and every eventuality planned for, the men jumped in their van, pumped up some Justin Bieber and drove to the rally where they arrived…3 hours too late.

They had cocked up the time completely and were at a loss with what to do next. As no one was hungry, they decided against a KFC and opted to drive home and carry out another attack at a different date. On the way up the M1 motorway, a traffic policeman thought their van looked a bit shady so pulled it over. On checking, he found that the vehicle had no insurance and so the van was eventually impounded. It was 2 days later that staff at the impound lot discovered the lethal contents of the van and an operation was mounted and the men arrested. All because of skimping on their insurance. Should have gone to Go Compare…

8. YOU’VE BEEN FRAMED… – A group of budding jihadists decided that the US military base of Fort Dix provided a perfect target for their attempt at martyrdom. Taking their lead from online forums, the men started with training and rehearsals for their imminent operation. A video camera was bought from the local Best Buy outlet and their sessions filmed for feedback and posterity. Not being particularly technically proficient however, the group could not transfer their footage from the camera to DVD.

Annoyed by this setback to their training routine, one of the group took the camera to another electrical retail outlet and outlined their problem to the retail assistant. The retail assistant assured our jihadi in-waiting that conversion to DVD was very basic and, in fact, if he was willing to wait, the assistant would do it then and there in the store. Yep, you know what’s coming. Our retail assistant obviously saw something unusual in men of middle-eastern appearance carrying out reconnaissance of Fort Dix while discussing what type of bomb would be most effective. Jeremy Beadle would have loved it…

9. TO OPT OUT OF ANY FURTHER MESSAGES… – Moscow, New Year’s Eve 2010/11. Crowds pack the area despite the freezing temperature. Thousands of litres of vodka being passed between well-wishers, red-cheeked in the frigid air.

In a small apartment nearby, a woman slips on a suicide vest rammed with explosives and a mixture of nails, nuts and bolts. Her two accomplices help make the vest comfortable, there being nothing worse than a poorly-fitting vest chafing at your boobs as you approach your moment of glory. The mobile-phone was connected to the device and the Black Widow nodded at her colleagues. She was ready to start the small meander across to Red Square where she would detonate the device in the midst of the crowds.

Just as she said her goodbyes, in giant, anonymous tech-suites across the world, mobile phone providers pushed the ‘send’ button on the traditional New Year spam message to all their customers. Which included our Black Widow. Her device detonated, killing her instantly and severely injuring her companions who were soon arrested limping and staggering from the burning apartment. Spam; no wonder everybody hates it!

10. MATE, YOU ARE JUST PANTS… – Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab or UFA to his mates. In the usual tradition of jihadists trying to outdo each other in explosive delivery methods, UFA stepped up to the plate. He boarded a plane for Detroit with his underpants stuffed with explosives…which he had apparently been wearing for almost three weeks! I mean, wear any pair of pants for three weeks and there’s all kinds of hygiene issues apparent but a plastic-explosive nappy? What the hell…

Anyway, as the plane descended for landing, Johnny Fartpants detonated the device…and was in immediate agony as the device only partly detonated, setting his entire nether regions on fire. Easily subdued by passengers and crew he was arrested on arrival and interrogated by the authorities.

In one of the interviews he admitted trying to join Al Qaeda but had been turned down. Like any aspiring job hunter, UFA requested feedback on his rejection and was told unequivocally that it was due to the fact that he was obviously…a moron. Pretty sad state of affairs when the world’s number one employer of suicide bombers doesn’t even want you!

So there you have it: Proof if any was needed that martyrdom isn’t for morons!!

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